you are sitting at your partner's bedside in an emergency room. they're asleep right now and the, i don't know, heart and oxygen machine beeps out a steady rhythm and traces out regular graphs. you have your [[phone]] and a [[book]] {embed passage: 'random beep'} [if time >= 1] [after 1 seconds] your partner's eyes [[flutter open]] it's a pixel 4 XL that you cracked in a [[very silly cycling accident]] the week you got it. the glass on the back is heavily cracked and the phone is slighly bent, but it works, so you use it. on it are a mess of [[messaging apps]] and a browser with a couple hundred tabs open. > [[put it away->the emergency room (back)]] it's a copy of Direct Action: An Ethnography by David Graeber. you're about a quarter of the way through it. [[i'll read later->the emergency room (back)]] fixed gear, no hands, bumped into a friend and you both fell. his front wheel got tacoed. [[the less said about it the better->phone]].your family and your partner's both use [[text messaging]], your friends are on [[slacks and discords]][[mom: πŸ₯° (read)]] [[242227: enter the code 208481 to log into your bank account (unread)]] [[go back->messaging apps]] your different groups of friends are splashed across a handful of chat apps, and most of them have #gripes channels, places where you can drop any complaint, big or small, on the understanding that it's a place for validation. it's nice to know, in a situation like this, that reactions will be narrowed to things you feel like you can do right now. [[#gripe]] you don't text with your parents that much, save for holidays, quick check-ins and significant life updates. this uh, seems like the last one though. do you want to update your mom? [[yes->update mom]] [[not now->text messaging]] hey, i don't go around trying to break into your bank account, let's just go back to [[text messaging]] ok?you might wait until you find out what's going on. mom's asleep anyways, you can send one message instead of a whole bunch of updates to wake up to. idk it just seems like a shitty way to wake up, you know? [[ok->text messaging]]hey i don't go around trying to break into your bank account, how about we go back to [[our messages->text messaging]]?time: time + 1 -- you tap out a message and drop it in a few #gripes channels "partner passed out at home, had trouble moving and memory loss, in the hospital now" [[ok->phone]]time: 0 -- emergency room workers are sitting behind plexiglass, they ask you the questions "have you had a cough or fever in the last week, have you been in contact with anyone with COVID-19, have you left the province in the last two weeks" [[they let you in->the emergency room (back)]]their eyes open. there's a flicker of confusion as they try to figure out where they are, but when they see your face theirs lights up, beatific. "hey baby" you swallow "where am i" you explain that they're in the hospital "why?" they collapsed at home. {embed passage: 'random beep'} you ask what they remember "i had phlebitis, and my chest hurt, like heartburn. then a curtain rod twisted and i felt like a tiny egg in a big body" [[how do you feel now?]]time: time + 1 -- [if time > 3] their face stops looking so happy and starts to look a little more focused. [[a nurse comes by]] [else] "my left hand has pins and needles" they have an IV, but they aren't looking in that direction yet. "when did we get here?" you explain how they got to the hospital, that an ambulance took them here [["oh"->how do you feel now?]]{embed passage: 'random beep'} "hi, i'm here to take some bloodwork" your partner looks uncomfortable "ok" the nurse readies a couple of vials and syringes you hold your partner's hand and chat with them while the nurse works. "you have good bedside manner", your partner says. "well, we've got a lot of jobs open right now!" the nurse chirps. you say you're not qualified "we need all kinds of people!" you say you don't care for the hours "ha! do you think i do?" she seems stressed, but not angry. you think about apologizing but stop yourself. the nurse says "and we're done!" your partner thanks her for her kindness while she hangs a saline solution from the IV rack. after a few minutes they [[make a face]]config.footer.left: "1: *pocari sweat is a sports drink that tastes like salty grapefruit*" -- what's up, you ask? "i can taste the saline solution" what does it taste like? "like pocari sweat<sup>1</sup> if they made it with road salt" you ask if you should call their parents {embed passage: 'random beep'} they think for a second and nod. it's 3AM. should you bother them? should you wait until you have more information? it doesn't matter, it's not your decision. [[call their mom]]config.footer.left: "πŸ₯" -- you call your partner's mom. it rings a couple of times, mom picks up, tired. "hello?" hey, we're at the hospital. they collapsed. blood tests, waiting to hear back. "oh my god" yeah, pause they're stable now, and have been awake. "okay. alright. well call us back when you know more" will do "bye" [[hang up]]your partner has fallen asleep again. [[read]]you open the book, it's a conversation happening in an Independent Media Center in Quebec City during the counter-globalization protests in 2001 *** _Helen_: Quiet please! We have a consensus process going on! Annette: I think we should think seriously about the effects of releasing anything this potentially explosive without having absolute confirmation. Randy: As for first proposal, I agree with Annette. We have over ten thousand people here facing several thousand cops. It's already halfway to a war out there. If we spread the word that somebody died, do we really want to be responsible for the result? {embed passage: 'random beep'} _[a couple people shout "yes!"]_ Annette: Look, the corporate mdia is watching everything we're doing. We put it out there, they'll run with it. If we say something that isn't true, I don't even want to think about what'll happen. Noah: And people out there are already pissed off enough at the cops. Chuck: ...and more likely out in the streets, getting it from the rumor mill. Word will go out that this happened. It's possible, if we run a story saying only what's already confirmed, then someone who knows the rest of the story will call in and tell us. It might be the only realistic way we have of finding out. Riley: We already have had reports of several molotovs having been thrown, several points where there have been pitched battles with the cops. [[eavesdrop]] a doctor is glad that a patient didn't need some kind of machine, you didn't hear. "they only have one in Halifax. if they needed it, they'd be gone" two nurses talk about time off, both have been a lot of rotations, are looking forward to going to sleep. someone says an ambulance is incoming in a couple of hours. [[you have to piss]]random_val: random.d4 -- [if random_val === 4] a series of beeps comes from somewhere across the room. you put down your book and walk to a washroom. right beside it is a room. a man is laying in the bed, gasping in pain every four seconds or so. you nod to him, he nods back. you can't think of anything to say, "how's it going" seems mocking somehow. then again it *is* a hospital. everyone's having a bad time and talking anyways. you go to the washroom, wash your hands, and [[return to your partner's bedside]]in a few moments a doctor comes by and wakes your partner up. "your blood tests are back. we wanted to check on your d-dimers levels. d-dimers are what we're looking for when we check for clots, your body releases them into your blood to dissolve them. yours are really high, something we'd expect from someone 70-80 years old, so we think there might be a clot. we'll have to do a CT scan to be sure, but we'll have to wait a bit, there's no tech in overnight" [[send updates]]you check #gripes _fuck wow oh no! keep us updated obviously, that's scary as hell!_ _Yikes, hope you guys are okay!_ _Sending you both love, I hope everything is okay_ 13 hug reacts you tap out the test results and thank everyone for their thoughts. you text family and group chats with updates their dad thanks you. [[put the phone away]]you're famished, could use a walk, but you don't want to leave them alone. you say you might go get a bagel. "yeah, go!" you object "just go, nothing's going to happen" [[yeah, ok]]you put on your jacket and walk outside. the air is crisp and cold, it's still dark, it's like 4 am. the only thing nearby that would be open right now is The Great Canadian Bagel, they're a coffee and bagel franchise. it's quiet, you look at the options. and step up to [[order]]. you cross the highway, head back to the hospital, and pull your mask up again [[go back inside]]you walk past the other people waiting in the emergency room and answer the questions again. they let you back in. your partner asks how the walk was. it was quiet, still early early morning where you're near a main road but there's barely anyone on it. you had a {bagel-type} with {cream-cheese-type} and a {coffee-type}. it was fine, you say. a nurse comes by (different nurse, shift change). "alright, they're ready to see you in [[imaging]]""what would you like?" a staff member asks, flatly. i'll have uhhhhhh BAGEL TYPES {dropdown menu for: "bagel-type", choices: ["plain", "apple cinnamon", "blueberry", "flax + honey", "cheddar herb", "cheddar jalapeΓ±o", "everything", "poppy seed", "pumpernickel", "whole wheat"]} CREAM CHEESE TYPES {dropdown menu for: "cream-cheese-type", choices: ["plain", "herb and garlic", "none", "pumpkin spice", "jalapeno", "blueberry", "chocolate", "lite", "π–π–Šπ–†π–›π–ž"]} COFFEE TYPES {dropdown menu for: "coffee-type", choices: ["coffee"]} [[yeah, that's it]] she puts the bagel in a toaster, turns around asks "how are you doing?" you think, wince, and say uhhh, been better. she repeats herself: "is that here or to go" you mumble to go, accept your bagel and coffee and go outside. you sit on a bench and pull down your mask, sipping the coffee and eating the bagel. it's fine. it's what you need right now. you sit and eat in silence for a few minutes before [[walking back]]you arrive at a small row of chairs and some cubicles for gown swapping, which your partner does. there's only one person ahead of you, experiencing shoulder pain. [[read more]]**Sunday, April 22** The next morning they were all aglow. Ben: "That was hugely successful" Shawn: "It was definitely the most impressive demo I've ever been in" "And I know the people of QuΓ©bec City are going to have another one soon" I asked: "So who exactly were all those people making noise on the highway all night? were they really union people from the People's Summit?" "That was the amazing thing," said Lyn. "They were everybody. Union people. Kids. Grannies. Old Hippies. Ordinary citizens of every kind." "I saw high school kids," someone chimes in, "mothers with sticks, one mother-daughter team both banging away at the guard rails with sticks. People formed an impromptu system to make sure the sound never started to die down." "A lot of union people had come with masks and bottles of vinegar with them on the bus, already organized into affinity groups and everything." "If you think about it," said Shawn, "it was the perfect civil disobedience because we could make a huge racket that they could hear from a mile away. They could definitely hear it at the summit and the hotels where the delegates were saying. But at the same time we just couldn't be dislodged. People were already starting to bang at noon and I came back hours later and it [[was just as strong]]."your partner is back from imaging. how'd it go? "i went in the big donut, and they gave me the dye injection, it made me feel like i had to pee" a year ago the number of injections they've gone through would have completely bottomed them out, psychically. it's not like they're impressed now, and the circumstances aren't great, but they're definitely starting to take them in stride [[back to the bed]]it kind of sucks, because if this did start with phlebitis then this all goes back to a needle. an iron transfusion, about a week ago. you weren't there but your partner told you the tech messed it up, missed a couple times. iron transfusions are, uh, not friendly to tissue, so there was a bunch of inflammation. you went to emergency for that too, really bad arm pain, and eventually got about 4 minutes of a doctor's time with the phlebitis diagnosis and went home with the recommendation to take some anti-inflammatories. [[haha, great]]through all of this you think about how you didn't call 911 right away. they passed out for a couple of minutes and came to, and seemed responsive, if really disoriented. you were on hold with 811 for like 8 minutes. you *know* that they're just going to tell you to go to emergency. while you waited you explained what happened to your partner, but they could only feel the gravity by reading it on your face. they were worried that you were worried, but didn't know why. you don't want to send anybody anywhere without them giving a clear yes, but you had no way to know how severe it was. there's a infinite downside, which means making the 911 call right away. but often enough you end up waiting 6 hours for nothing! you were panicked, but was it anxiety or real distress? is it possible that you don't know the difference between stress you manufacture and stress you experience? you think about those 8 minutes. you think about the people who have died in waiting rooms in the last few weeks. the health bodies' boards gutted and replaced. they talk about expanding primary care, diffusing care throughout community. the language is good, but all you need is to see and hear nurses to know that anyone still there is desparate for relief. and with all of this, you think about 8 minutes. you think about waiting on hold for permission to help the most important person to you in this world. how do we split this up between a long chain of tired people making worse decisions? a project of revolutionary political austerity? your fear of being a bother? your commitment to not making decisions for other people? having assigned that blame, done that calculus, what would you even do with that?[align center] πŸ₯ by goose, 2023 **content warnings: medical, death** [[start->the emergency room]] [continue]